He is Home to Me
by steepedinshadows419
Summary: Based off 3x19 promo (& spoilers) - Barry comes back from 2024 with confirmation of who Savitar really is. It's so crushing he can't face the team, especially not Iris. (WARNING: suicidal thoughts) Barry/Iris. Oneshot.


**A/N:** I wrote this before 3x19 aired, but it's based on the premise that when Barry went to 2024 he found out (or someone told him) that _he_ is/was/will be Savitar. This fic is about him coming back to 2017 and the fall out of that.

 ***** Kudos to my epically amazing beta, **sendtherain** , who beta'd this massive piece in less than an hour and a half. Girl is amazing.

 ***** I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.

...

The speed force hummed around him in the familiar blurring colors of blue and white. He was desperate to get out of 2024, to get back home to a place where he could breathe again, though he worried there wouldn't be a difference. Because now he knew things. Things he wouldn't be able to hide, or else how could he help his team then? He couldn't lie to them. But he also didn't know what good telling the truth would do. It would make matters worse. It would leave them stranded.

Before Barry could make any concrete decision on how to proceed, his mind refocused, and he was there in STAR Labs in front of younger, more hopeful versions of the people he'd just left behind. And of course, the one person that hadn't been there at all.

"Barry!" He heard Cisco shout, and then felt everyone crowding around him in his wearinessas he slowly came to a grip with the new reality - or the old one?

Looking on, everyone could see their hero looked tired, like he'd just lived through a nightmare and wasn't quite grasping that he was awake now – and _safe_.

"Barry?" Iris ventured, slowly coming towards him.

She was almost to him when his head snapped up, his eyes wide with horror. The expression alone was enough to make her stop, but then the concern on his face twisted into an agony she'd never seen there before.

"Stay away from me, Iris," he said, not cold or cruel but almost desperate.

Her brows furrowed, and Joe took a step toward them.

"Bear."

Barry's gaze switched to Joe's, and he swallowed hard.

"What did you see?" he asked.

Barry turned away from him and started to pace, running his hand through his hair, trying to put into words everything he'd seen and felt, what the world had become without Iris West and who the cause of her demise truly was.

He closed his eyes and swallowed hard.

"I saw all of us." He lifted his head to look at Joe. "I saw you." He turned to look at Cisco. "And you." He didn't dare look at Wally, was still too shaken up by the sight of him in a wheelchair. "Wally too, and…" He took a breath. "I saw myself."

"Did you find out who Savitar is?" Joe asked.

The words hit him as hard as the answer had the moment he'd realized it – or been told. It was hard to remember which had really happened now. Savitar's true identity had blinded him so much he'd nearly passed out in a back alley of 2024 Central City. Then he'd had to fend off metahumans. And then…

"Yes," he said quietly, breaking the silence after as much of a delay as he could get away with.

Instinctively, everyone moved a little bit closer.

"Who…wh-who is he?" Iris asked. Joe came beside her and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close.

Barry couldn't look at her for a while. He was glad she had Joe, but he hated that she was the one to ask. He could already see everyone recoiling from him in his mind as soon as he gave them the answer they all thought they wanted.

"Is it someone we know?" Cisco asked, probably able to tell the identity was going to crush them all, but maybe that gradual questioning was easier than a blunt answer.

"Yes," Barry said, a tear trickling down his cheek.

Iris broke free of her father's hold and went to Barry before he could stop her.

"Oh my god, Barry, who is it?"

He flinched and tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let him. Then she placed her hands on his face and forced him to look at her.

"Tell me," she pleaded on a soft whisper. "The sooner we all know the sooner we can stop him."

His breath hitched. He knew he couldn't put off the inevitable for a moment longer. He was ready for the fear and hatred, ready to be disowned and turned against. How could anyone believe in him once they knew? How could anyone not feel betrayed, not feel like they'd been wasting their time on someone they believed to be _good_ and a _hero_? Not Joe, not even Iris would stand by him now.

After all, how did one defeat a future version of one's self?

"It's me."

Iris's brows furrowed.

"I don't…I don't understand."

"It's _me_ , Iris. A future version of me comes back in time and kills you."

The initial horror in her eyes faded to instantly be replaced by confusion and firm denial.

"No," she said. "No, there's no way."

She turned to the others to get back up, but they had already started to create some distance between themselves and their hero. Even her dad…

"Iris."

The word was firm, and when she turned to look at Joe, she saw the no-nonsense look in his eyes. He held his hand out to her, but there was no warmth there. It was a command. He didn't trust she was safe even _now_ , standing so close to her one day would-be killer.

She scoffed. " _Dad_."

"Iris, he's right."

She turned around to look at her Barry, the man she loved more than anything. He was inching away again and she knew in a moment he'd be away from all of them, unable to look them in the eye.

"If I'm capable of…of hurting you in the future." He shook his head. "Who knows what I'm capable of now?"

"Bar—"

Her bottom lip trembled and tears filled her eyes. But Joe cut off any further interaction by catching her off guard and pulling her to his side. By the time she'd pushed herself away again, upset beyond belief by her father's severe behavior, Barry was gone, leaving all of them with only the heavy bombshell he'd brought back from the future.

The god of speed, the man responsible for so much death and destruction, was _their Barry_ in the future. A hero turned into the most powerful evil villain any of them had encountered.

 _What do we do now?_ hung in the air, but nobody moved, and nobody said a word.

…

Barry was glad for the darkness at the waterfront. He was glad for the sole light drawn from the full moon and the soft lapping of waves against the pier.

Perhaps _glad_ wasn't the right word, but he did feel a sense of relief.

There was no one around to judge him or be afraid of him. No sense of impending disaster. With any luck his future self wouldn't show up to taunt him about his fate. It was already eating him up inside, already driving him mad with hatred and despair.

 _How could he ever be capable of killing_ _ **Iris**_ _?_ The woman who mattered to him more than anyone else in the world. _How_ _ **could**_ _he?_

Every day since the moment he met her he'd wanted nothing more than to make her laugh and smile and feel loved. He fed off her light and relished in it. Her smile dazzled him. Her joy made him giddy. And whenever she was hurt, when he found her crying, no matter how rare it was, it absolutely destroyed him.

How could he be the _cause_ of bringing her pain? Of _ending her life_?

What had happened that would twist him to the point that the one core part of him changed so drastically? What made him into a villain?

His eyes filled with tears. He did nothing to stop them from flooding down his face. The wind whipped around him, drying his skin and then making his eyes burn. His hair tossed about and he realized then how careless he was being.

Just because it was the middle of the night didn't mean people couldn't still be out. If someone were to walk by, see him with his cowl down, and realize…

 _Not that it mattered_ , he thought sullenly.

The Flash was a _fraud_ , a demon in disguise. The inevitability of him becoming a villain was set in stone as clearly as Caitlin's had been.

What hero had he even been to her? He'd barely wasted any time convincing the team after he found out what happened that he still needed to go into the future. Caitlin would still be Killer Frost when he returned. She would still need to be found, according to the headlines broadcasted a month from now.

All that had mattered was finding out other clues about the future, most importantly Savitar's identity.

Well, he found it.

Even Killer Frost wasn't the monster he would turn out to be.

He inched closer to the water and looked down into it, wondered how cold it was and how hard it would be to breathe if you were to be pushed under.

Or go willingly.

…

Back at STAR Labs, Iris struggled to hold onto her sanity as she fought to convince the team - most importantly her father - that _their_ Barry, 2017 Barry, wasn't a threat.

"Can't you see he's a _danger_ , Iris? He _kills_ you!"

"Dad. He's Barry. _Our_ Barry."

"Yeah, and 'our Barry' becomes so twisted that he comes back and murders you, the woman he supposedly loves."

"Something must have happened," she protested. There was no point trying to convince him that Barry loved her. Anyone could see that he did. "Barry would never do this. You know he wouldn't."

Joe said nothing, only shook his head.

"He's like a son to you," she cried out, in disbelief that he would turn on Barry so quickly and that not even she could persuade him otherwise. "You _know_ him!"

His shoulders sunk in on themselves, and Joe heaved a heavy sigh, "I thought I did."

Iris spun around to Cisco…Wally…Julian…HR in the hopes of getting back up, but they all turned away from her. Wally shook his head, part disgust, part sadness that she could be so blinded by her love as to not see what was right in front of her. Julian was at a loss. Months earlier he probably could've gotten right on board with hating Barry – _"I knew there was something off about him. All along he was the one we should've been afraid of,"_ he might have said. Now he looked conflicted, but not enough to back her up.

"He's your best friend, Cisco," Iris spat, positive if anyone would believe Barry wasn't as evil as he'd just told them all he'd be, it would be Cisco.

But Cisco sighed and looked at her just as sadly, when he had the courage to look at her at all.

"I don't know, Iris. Barry is the only one that went to the future and found out who Savitar was. He has no reason to lie to us. And why would he deliberately tell us it was himself, of all people?" he asked hopelessly. "It has to be true."

Her eyes moved to H.R., her one last hope, but all he did was shake his head and glue his eyes to the floor. There was no knowing what he thought, but he sure wasn't going to help defend Barry to her father.

And so, Iris left STAR Labs and returned home to hers and Barry's loft, the one place she felt safe and warm and not crazy.

There was no denying that Barry's announcement had hit them all hard. She hadn't let herself think about it too much because she was so appalled by everyone's instant wariness and fear of Barry, who'd looked absolutely crushed by what he'd had to reveal.

As time passed and she sat alone on the windowsill where he'd proposed, the possibility that her Barry might be the one to… Well, it _did_ weigh on her. It made her sick to her stomach, and it broke her heart. But as much as it did all those things, she knew for Barry it must be ten times worse than everyone's fear and anger and shock combined.

Here he had been so desperately trying to save her, using whatever means necessary, to the point that he almost lost what made Barry, Barry, and the Flash, the Flash - only to find out that _he_ was the cause of it.

 _No_.

She refused to believe that. It wasn't him. There had to be some sort of explanation. Wells wasn't Wells and Zoom hadn't been Jay. There was no way Savitar, the man fated to kill her in less than a month, was the love of her life; her heroic, heart of gold Barry Allen.

 _Her_ Barry Allen would never hurt her, but _her_ Barry Allen was hurting, _consumed_ with guilt and drowning in the sadness and rage of what he believed he would one day become. He feared even now he was a threat to her life.

Iris lifted her phone to her ear, hand shaking. She swallowed hard and listened to the repeated rings. The possibility he would answer was slim, she knew, but that hadn't stopped her from needing to call him.

All she wanted to do was hold him, to tell him it wasn't him, that there had to be something they didn't know, something he hadn't seen. A future version of himself coming back in time to murder the woman he loved? Not a single part of it made sense.

But _her_ Barry refused to pick up his phone. She didn't know where he was or what he was doing.

All she knew was that she needed to be with him. She needed to remind him there was always another way, that she wasn't afraid of him, and that they would face this together. Whatever evil existed behind that face that wasn't her Barry would be defeated.

But how could she do any of that if she didn't even know where he was?

"Hey, Barry," she sighed into the phone. "I know you're hurting and you're afraid. You're scared of what you think you might do to me. But I need you to know you're not that person. You're not Savitar. I love you. I'm not afraid of you. You make me feel safe. Just…" Her breath caught in her throat, and she knew she was near tears. "Please come home."

She ended the call and cradled the phone in her lap.

"Come home to me, Barry," she whispered, gazing out into the night, the city stretching out before her.

Her eyes searched the scene for any sign of a flash of red, any reassurance that he was coming home to her. Maybe he had gotten her message and just couldn't bring himself to respond. Maybe he would phase through their front door and just stand there. And then she'd go to him and he'd fall into her and she'd hold him close and he'd let her be the rock he needed even though his news had shaken her just as much.

She just wanted him _home_.

But there was no sign of him. Only sparse city lights and the deep darkness on the horizon.

…

At 3 a.m. Iris strode into the cortex at STAR Labs to find Cisco's head starting to bob and his body slouch over as he fought to stay awake. Her clicking heels must've been enough to jolt him fully awake though because as soon as she was before him, he snapped to attention and looked at her with wide eyes, quickly slurping up the rest of his cherry slushie.

"Find Barry," she demanded, her eyes full of fire, leaving no room for discussion.

Very slowly Cisco set his empty slushie cup down.

"I know you can find him," she informed him. "You have a tracker on his suit _and_ you can track him by the lightning in his system, the same way King Shark tracked him down." She placed her hands on his desk and leaned towards him, successfully coming across with just enough intimidation to make Cisco nervous. "So, don't tell me you can't find him, because I know for a _fact_ that you can."

Silence hung between them, but Cisco knew he couldn't let it last much longer. He was already risking his own personal health and well-being by not doing what she said immediately.

"How did you know I was here?" he finally said cautiously.

Iris's nails dug into her hips where her hands were currently propped due to her impatience, but apparently, the question was warranted because she didn't immediately strangle him. He doubted though that she hadn't considered it.

"You weren't at your apartment," she said, informing him loud and clear that she'd checked there first. Cisco closed his eyes as she revealed the next piece of news that he knew would solidify his doom. "And there was a note on the door," she said. "For _Barry_."

He opened his eyes slowly, wincing.

"Something tell me it's not a forgery," she seethed.

"So…I may have…offered him…a place to stay if he didn't feel comfortable going home to you."

"But you came here because you're afraid of him."

He sighed and hung his head.

"Iris—"

"Or is that not why you came here?" She frowned and suddenly looked around his desk, saw the research flowing over and then the face recognition program glowing on his computer when she rounded the corner to see exactly what he was working on. She sighed.

"I came here to keep looking for Caitlin," he muttered under his breath. "Obviously, Barry isn't going to be doing that any time soon."

Iris's eyes flashed to his sunken form, annoyed and infuriated but also feeling a sense of guilt and an extreme degree of compassion, because in the fall out of Barry's revelation from 2024, neither Killer Frost nor Caitlin Snow's name had been mentioned.

 _Everyone must have just left after I did_ , Iris thought, lamenting.

But then another thought occurred to her and her eyes widened in relief.

"You don't believe he's evil," she said, half a gasp in every word he said.

"He's not evil _yet_ ," Cisco clarified, not looking at her, miraculously letting it slide that she'd completely ignored his comment about Caitlin.

"And the future can be _changed_ ," Iris said excitedly.

"…yes," he said reluctantly.

"Just like my death can be prevented, so can Barry's future self not turn evil. We can keep Savitar from ever existing."

Cisco looked up at her then.

"Well, aren't you just chipper all of a sudden."

Iris reined in the hope that had flowered in her and came to sit down beside him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"You need Barry to find Caitlin, right?"

He hesitated and then nodded. "Right."

"And you don't believe Barry is evil. You don't believe our Barry is evil."

Hesitation again, but followed by another nod.

"No," he said. "I don't."

Her smile spread. "Then please, Cisco." She squeezed his arm encouragingly. "Find our Barry."

He turned to look at her, searched her pleading eyes. Tears were starting to well up, despite her recent surge of positivity.

"Help me bring him home."

…

They found him exactly where Cisco's tech had said they would, on the waterfront. He was standing on the edge of a pier looking down into the dark gentle waves. Cisco and Iris shared a look and then Iris squeezed his hand.

"Don't worry, Cisco. I've got this."

Reluctantly he let her walk away from him, words he couldn't form on the tip of his tongue.

She turned to look back at him one more time before proceeding.

"It's okay," she said, offering one more tremulous reassuring smile she hoped would convince him.

Cisco nodded and took a step back, gesturing to the car they'd come in.

"I'll just be… If you need anything or if something hap—"

"It won't," she cut him off, then forced herself to relax so his uneasiness wouldn't rise up again. She didn't want him to doubt helping her find Barry. "But thank you."

She turned back to the waterfront before Cisco could try to dissuade her – since she knew that was still a possibility – and was pleased to find Barry where he'd been before.

He hadn't spotted them and run off. He hadn't done the unthinkable and dived into the water with no intention of resurfacing. He just stood there staring, and as she got closer she could see his shoulders shaking.

Any nerves she had dissolved when she saw him lift his hand up to wipe something off his face. Tears. He was crying.

Iris slipped out of her heels and left them on the grass when she reached the edge of the park. She didn't want any sound to make him run off. She wanted there to be a peace in her arrival, not tension. Granted even a slow approach was bound to surprise him, but she couldn't help that. With any luck, he'd let her talk to him, and maybe that could lead to him coming home.

One foot halfway on the pier and the wooden board groaned underneath her. She stifled a curse. Of course, she should have remembered how old this pier was. Her father had forbidden her and Barry from ever going on it because of how someone had fallen through it the summer before Barry came to live with them. That part had of course been fixed, but the rest of it hadn't been and so it was forbidden.

That didn't stop the two of them from sneaking out to it when school field trips were in the vicinity though.

She reminisced for a few achingly long moments in the memories that felt like a lifetime ago.

But the nostalgia came to an abrupt halt because Barry turned to look at her, eyes wide and stance tense. Neither moved for the space of an agonizingly long ten seconds, and then Barry broke the silence.

"Iris?" he gasped in a whisper, as if speaking in a normal tone would somehow stir a sense of danger. "What are you doing here?" he demanded. His voice wasn't hard. It was just incredulous.

He wiped at his tears again when he saw how she was staring.

"I came to bring you home," she said, her voice breaking.

Barry's feet shifted, making Iris almost lunge towards him, because he was sooo very close to the edge.

But he seemed completely unaware of how close he'd gotten. It wasn't intentional. She supposed she should be grateful for that.

He shook his head, looking at her sadly.

"I'm not coming home, Iris. Not now." He glanced down at the water, and she knew what he was seriously considering. "Maybe not ever."

" _No_ , Barry." She closed the distance between them – _old rickety wooden boards be damned!_ – and stopped right in front of him. "That won't solve anything, and you know it."

His eyes searched hers desperately, tears filling them again.

"Won't it? If I die, Savitar will never exist. Everything he's done and is planning to do will never have happened."

"No," she said again. "No, just – _stop_."

She took his hands in hers and held firm even when he tried to wriggle away.

"Why aren't you afraid of me?" he wondered, eventually abandoning the struggle. "In the future, I _kill_ you."

"You don't kill me. Savitar does." She looked up at him and cupped his face in her hands tightly. "And he won't even do that because we're going to stop it from happening. And not by killing yourself either."

He curled his fingers around her hands on his face.

"But _I'm_ Savitar," he said. "Don't you get that? Don't you see how serious that is? How can you possibly trust me or even…even love me when you know what I'm capable of?"

Tears started to fall down both of their faces.

"It's not you!" she insisted. "You don't know that!"

"Iris—" His breath hitched.

"It could be another Barry from another earth. There are an infinite number of those, remember? Or it could be some face-changing technology, like what HR has from Earth 19! There could be a million explanations for why Savitar looks like you or why people say that it was you. He's from the future so of course he would know everything about you. And how could you have thrown yourself into the speed force? It doesn't make any sense."

Barry struggled for a moment to come up with an answer.

"Maybe he lied about that part," he said eventually.

"Maybe he lied about everything!" Iris sobbed.

She pulled him nearer, forced his head down to her level so she could press her forehead against his tightly and keep him from running. She needed to feel close to him. She needed him all around her. She needed him to not die, especially if he'd been deceived.

"Can't you even _consider_ that?" She sniffled, clutching then at his emblem. "You're the _Flash_. You're not a monster. And you're _my_ Barry Allen. You're _mine_."

His arms came around her and she sighed in relief, melting into his embrace. The coldness of the suit became invisible because all she could feel was the heat of his body and his breath in her hair. All she could hear was his heart racing and their breaths so close together. This was home. This was everything. She refused to believe this was the end.

And when she lifted her head, his lips descended on hers, seeking refuge and forgiveness and love. She gave it all to him, and she was so very glad he'd initiated. She was so much shorter without her shoes, so it would've been near impossible to kiss him if he wasn't ready to let her love him.

But he _had_ kissed her. He was _still_ kissing her. And they were crying into their kisses, wanting nothing but this moment, wanting only to be safe and in love and to be out of this crazy, horrible situation.

Iris wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down further, deepening the kiss, tangling her tongue with his, feeling the thrill of his touch ripple down her spine and all over her body.

Finally in need of air, they parted a while later, but Barry didn't pull away. He let his forehead rest against hers again and let himself breathe.

"You're not evil, Barry," she said quietly. "You're _good_ , and you're _mine_. You _belong_ to me."

His arms closed even more snugly around her.

" _Please_ come home," she begged, a hitch to her voice, tears ready to make another appearance.

Barry let out a deep sigh and lifted his head. Then he lazily tucked some wild, dark strands of hair behind her ear, kissed the side of her face and stayed there for a while.

"I don't want to be alone," he murmured, nearly collapsing into her.

She clung to him tightly, holding onto him with all her strength, not wanting to be anywhere else in the world in that moment. Only ever wanting to be by his side as his partner, his rock, his solid ground forever.

"Then don't be," she whispered back. "Come home with me, and you'll never be alone again."

For all his doubts, for all the certainty of her death he must've seen in all the futures he'd been to, Barry let her words wash over him and decided at least tonight he would believe them.

He didn't say anything else, but he nodded against her and let her steer him toward the end of the dock.

The relief she felt was unimaginable, and she could not have been more grateful that Cisco had stuck around because Barry was in no condition to race them home.

Iris sat in the back of the car and Cisco helped her get Barry inside. There the scarlet speedster lay across the back seat and passed out with his head in her lap, completely depleted of all energy but open at least for tonight to let someone keep him safe.

When Cisco arrived in front of their building, he turned back to look at his passengers and found Iris tenderly playing with Barry's wind-tossed locks. Barry was still a goner, but he woke enough to assist in some way when Iris and Cisco needed to get him to the elevator.

Barry seemed to not even really register Cisco as anything other than a being helping him get to where his feet could not. When they reached the loft, his friends miraculously got him upstairs to the bedroom where they deposited him on the bed. Iris meant to go with Cisco to the door to thank him again and discuss in some form what life would be like for Team Flash going forward, but Barry sensed her moving away and started moaning and panicking, unaware of anything but the fact that she was leaving him.

"Irisss?" he slurred, rustling about on top of the sheets.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," She whispered, wrapping her hands around his, which soothed him instantly. "I'm here."

She looked over her shoulder to where Cisco was standing. The heartbreaking and wondering look on his face assured her like nothing else could have.

"It's okay, Iris." Her lips parted to protest, but he shook his head to silence her. "We can talk tomorrow."

She swallowed, unsure if that would suffice.

"He needs you," Cisco said, gesturing to where Barry still held her hands tightly.

She sighed shakily as she followed his gaze.

"I know."

"And you were right."

Iris looked back again, her brows furrowed.

"He's not Savitar," he said. "He's Barry. Our Barry. And we're going to stop this."

She felt the huge weight lift off her chest, and she almost wanted to laugh. She nodded, a small smile breaking through, a _thank you_ in her eyes.

Cisco smiled back.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Iris." He glanced over at Barry and then back to her. "Maybe I'll see both of you."

Iris only smiled in farewell. Then she turned back to Barry as soon as Cisco had left the room. She slid out of her heels for the second time that night and managed to strip down and slip on one of Barry's old t-shirts before he started to panic at her absence again.

Then she helped undress him and tucked him under the blankets. As quickly as possible, because he seemed to be unaware of her coming and going, she got herself underneath the covers and snuggled into his body, intertwining their legs and pressing herself close enough to feel his breath on her forehead and his heartbeat against her ear.

"I love you, Barry," she whispered, not really caring if he wasn't awake. He would hear it somehow, and she needed to say it.

Barry didn't say anything in response, but she felt him wrap his arms more tightly around her, and that was more than enough.

He was _her_ Barry. He was _hers_. And nothing was going to take him away from her. Nothing was going to take her away from him. Not some twisted evil version of himself, not an unseen villain entirely. They were going to fight whoever was against them, and they were going to win.

Barry wasn't a monster. He was a wounded soul fighting to survive.

And in her arms, in _their home_ …he would.


End file.
